Happy.

I haven’t really been focused on writing any blog posts over the last few months. It’s not necessarily that I haven’t made time for it. Most times I just write things and decide not to share them and my focus has been in other places. However, today I feel a little different. 

I started writing in journals towards the end of my sophomore year of high school in 2013. At this point in my life, things were kind of taking a different turn and started to take a toll on me mentally. I won’t get too deep into it, but things got to the point where I was feeling down. I didn’t know it at the time, but that point in my life really tipped the scales in terms of my mental state. (Side Note: As weird as it sounds, I’m happy that it happened and I’m not complaining about it at all). As I was feeling down, I started trying to look for new ways to feel better. One of those ways was writing.

I can’t say that I’ve ever been a creative writer. I’m still not. One thing that I am proud of, though, is the fact that, since sophomore year, I’ve written something nearly everyday. I would write whenever I was feeling some sort of way. At the time, I felt pretty lonely and didn’t really know who to talk to about how I was feeling and the things that were going on in my life. Truth is, I probably just didn’t know HOW to talk to people about the way that I was feeling. In turn, I started writing. If there was anyone I could talk to, I at least knew that I could talk to myself and sit with my own thoughts. As simpy as it all sounds, I just wrote about my feelings. 

Today, I wrote something in my journal that I have not ever written and I’ve been doing this for six years. 

I am happy. 

Over the last two years, I have been feeling better. I wouldn’t say that I was feeling good, but I felt better than before. I’ve been incredibly focused and honed in on my craft and just trying to become a better human being. That kind of took my mind off of the feelings. This morning, as I was writing in my journal, I wrote words that I haven’t felt in six years. I am Happy. As soon as I wrote it, I was actually kind of confused. What did you just say? This journal is supposed to be for your sad shit lol. 

Over time, my journal has transitioned from all of my feelings to my goals, dreams, and ideas. I definitely still reflect and write about how I’m feeling every single day, but the fact that I was able to transition from my lonely and depressed thoughts to something greater over the last couple years is something that I can say I am proud of. I haven’t actually felt happy in a very long time. The way my journal pages work, I kind of just let my mind take over and just write whatever it feels like so that I know my thoughts are genuine and I’m not holding anything back. When those words hit the paper this morning, I was relieved. This is a moment that I have been working towards for a LONG time. 

I set goals. I have dreams. I have plenty of ideas. However, I would never be able to execute any of them without truly being happy. To anyone reading: make your happiness a goal. You owe it to yourself and you deserve it. For me, I know that I will never be able to perform at the highest level or be my complete self without being happy. I feel that I’ve done a good amount of things the past few years in terms of my goals, but this takes things to a new level for me and I’m being vulnerable and open in sharing these thoughts with anyone who reads this. This is my greatest accomplishment in the last six years. I’ve spent so much time consciously trying to be happy. I literally wake up before dawn most days just so I can try to work on my happiness. These early mornings have meant everything to me. I write entries and poems. I create. I get closer to myself and become more comfortable in my own skin. After all, we spend the most time with ourselves. Why not try to get to know yourself a little better? 

This entry is a little scatter brained and without any structure, but I felt my thoughts were worth sharing in this case. If you read this, let me know. Hit me up. If you want to know more, I’m an open book. Feel free to ask and have a conversation with me. As always, I’m forever grateful for you guys who always show love and support the things that I do.

To Live and Prosper. 

- JSquared